For a while, I was going on dates, coming home and complaining to my friends that the guys hadn’t put their best foot forward. The sports lawyer? He bored me. The screenwriter couldn’t tell a compelling story. The date who went to India for a month didn’t have a single adventure. On the surface, it seemed like they had interesting things going on in their lives, but the conversation lacked passion and excitement on their part.
Deep down inside these all could have been great guys, but I wasn’t interested in getting to know them because they didn’t portray themselves as interesting. We are always getting dating advice telling us to just be ourselves, but when you are dating someone you are trying to get to know what that self is. Therefore, you have to give more than just yourself when you are first dating someone. The other person needs to know who you really are. Just showing up and being yourself isn’t actually enough. Women want to see your best traits and your best qualities. Women want to be engaged by that which interests you. What are you most-passionate about? What are the things unique to just you? What do you love to do, eat, drink, explore?
You know who I was interested in getting to know? This guy dressed like Jon Snow at the Halloween party I went to this year. He walked in the door wearing a full-length fur coat with pictures of wolves taped in the inside. He was carrying a small bottle of Tequila and sipping it straight from the bottle. He perched himself on a stool smack in the middle of the room. All of the women turned to look. I grabbed my friend’s hand. “Who is that?” I whispered. One by one the women in the room tried to talk with him. Most of the conversations lasted about five minutes. My friend left him shaking her head. I had to see for myself.
For ten minutes I tried to talk to this incredibly-attractive guy. Tall, dark, and incredibly-handsome. The kind of guy that other guys want to be. The alpha male in the room. I couldn’t get anything from him. Boring is putting it lightly. He was dry. He didn’t have a single interesting thing to say about his job, his apartment, his school, his work, his workouts, nothing. I walked away unsure who he was at all. He had zero to bring to the table. He was a waste of a perfectly-attractive man.
Later I hypothesized that he probably thinks he doesn’t have to improve his intrigue because his whole life he has gotten by on his good looks. But even people who are extremely-attractive need to share their identity. While being attractive gets your foot in the door, it is no longer the golden ticket. Our society is moving towards the value of the whole person. Your authentic self is more-important than ever. Women want to know your authentic self. Women want to be interested in who you are.
Your role is to tell them in an interesting way. I once ended up going to see the Wolverine movie because a guy I know was so passionate about it. I know nothing about X-Men and have never had a remote interest in learning about X-Men, but he talked about it with such enthusiasm. I had to know what the big deal was. I wanted to go. It doesn’t matter what you are interested in. You can be interested in fine teas or “Dungeons and Dragons” or tennis or street art as long as you can express it in a way that gives your authentic self dimension and provides your date with a picture of who you are. Women like to be able to imagine what your life is like. Women are attracted to the story you create.
Passion and the ability to talk about yourself in a way that is different and interesting creates intrigue. Intrigue is a cornerstone of attraction. Intrigue is not mystery. You aren’t keeping them guessing by failing to share things about yourself… quite the opposite. By failing to share, you are most-likely driving them away. With intrigue, you are sharing something that makes her want to know more. Intrigue creates bonds. Sharing with one another makes the other person want to know more about you.
No matter who you are, what hobbies you have or how perfectly gelled your hair is, you have to be able to share your authentic self in an attention-grabbing way. Being passionate about your life and your interests makes women feel like there is something about your life that they want to know more about and eventually that they want to be a part of. How do you do this? You dig deep in there. What are the gems of your life and your personality worth sharing? Then you practice. Maybe you have to call ten friends or record yourself or enlist some help from coaches, but learning to share your identify in an intriguing way is what makes women tell their friends all about you after a date. It keeps them from saying that you had nothing to bring to the table. –Emma
Continue reading: 5 Questions for Couples to Keep the Spark Alive
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