Relationships Can Feel Like They’re Fading: Here’s How to Keep It Hot

Here’s the bad news: love is fleeting. That is, the quantifiable chemical-induced euphoric component of early love is anyway. A groundbreaking 2010 Syracuse University study found that falling in love—the dopamine, testosterone and adrenaline, et al. dump that occurs in our brains in the early stages of a relationship—is nearly identical to the rush a person gets from using cocaine. It also comes on in as little as a fifth of a second… talk about love at first sight! Scientists conducting the study, known as “The Neuroimaging of Love,” identified 12 areas of the brain that work together to cause the butterflies, pitter-patters and clammy hands known collectively as “love.” Unfortunately, what comes on like a ton of bricks can just as quickly disappear like a thief in the night. Or, in the words of the late John Entwistle, former bass player for The Who, “forever after is a long, long time.” Ironically perhaps, Entwistle died of a cocaine induced heart attack.

18 Months
Famed anthropologist and researcher Helen Fisher, a professor at Rutgers University, suggests there are actually three phases of love, each defined by its own unique chemical cocktail. The first two—lust and attraction—are marked by lots of testosterone and estrogen in the former and dopamine, norepinephrine and serotonin in the latter. Those two phases together last between three months and two years, say neuroscientists, with the average length of time being 18 months. And they are intense. A great deal can happen in 18 months; including engagements, mortgages, kids, car payments, and meeting the future in-laws. During the first 18 months, keeping the spark alive in a relationship is more or less automatic—just add your partner. However, once the feel-good chemicals associated with lust and attraction inevitably subside, the real work of keeping the relationship going begins. Thank goodness for oxytocin and vasopressin.

You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feelin’
Many couples are surprised when the intensity that defined their early relationship wanes. Some people may even blame their partner for the diminished attraction, difficulty connecting and feelings of loss that naturally accompany the shift from that addictive new relationship energy (NRE) to a more developed form of love known as “mature love,” or what Fisher deems “the attachment phase. “ Attachment takes over when lust and attraction fall off. This stage is distinguished by oxytocin and vasopressin, which are related to bonding and commitment respectively. Thanks to attachment, it’s possible to reignite the pilot light on a relationship that seems to have fizzled out. However, complacency won’t cut it. If you plan to make the home fires burn anew, it’s going to require dedication and commitment from both partners.

Don’t Go There
If you feel your eyes (and hands) wandering, you’re not alone. In the US, studies find that between 20 and 25 percent of people in long-term relationships eventually cheat on their partners. Researchers believe that, due to the unreliability of self-reporting, those numbers may actually be low. If you’re on the verge of wrecking a perfectly good relationship in order to experience someone new, you may just be looking for a fix. In the estimable words of the late singer Robert Palmer, “might as well face it, you’re addicted to love.” (Like Entwistle, Palmer died of a heart attack although unlike the bassist, Palmer’s drug of choice was nicotine rather than cocaine).

5 Questions
There are any number of questions you can ask your partner to inspire a desired response (“Is it hot in here or is that you? “ comes immediately to mind), but the most important question may just be the first one you should ask yourself:

1) What if my partner is the perfect person for me? Ask, they say, and ye shall receive. Think about it—you’ve chosen this person for better or worse so, obviously, even if you’re not feeling it now, there was once something there. And if you had it before, you can have it again. The point of this question is to remind yourself that, although there are plenty of fish out there, you can hang up your pole, light a fire in the fireplace, kick up your feet and relax. If you’re ever in doubt as to what you’re missing out on, grab the remote and tune into Deadliest Catch, it’s a lot like dating—only without the accompanying awkwardness.

2) What are your fantasies? You may want to ask yourself this question first as well. Due to something known as “community standards” and religion-based sexual repression (not to mention self-loathing) many of us aren’t comfortable discussing our deepest, hottest desires with anyone—even our own sex partner. But if you want to reignite passion in your relationship, you’d best get comfortable with this one. What you find out about yourself, as well as about your partner, may just change your life—and your relationship—for the better.

3) If we hadn’t met, what would you be doing right now? If the answer is “fulfilling my lifelong dream of sailing around the world,” you may want to rephrase the question. However, a far more likely response is something along the lines of “I can’t imagine my life without you.” Ah, yeah, that’s the one.

4) If you could change one thing about me, what would it be? In the esteemed words of Eminem, “be careful what you wish for.” (As of this writing, Marshall Mathers, esq. is still very much alive.) Part of rekindling your relationship may entail reinventing yourself. You need to be willing to listen to your partner without judgment and be open to change if necessary. Just remember, your relationship may depend on it.

5) What can I do for you right now? There’s nothing like spontaneity to keep a relationship off of life support. No matter the answer—whether it’s “make love to me like an animal” or “clean the rain gutters”—be prepared to follow through. And, of course, reciprocation is mandatory.

Love may just be the best drug humankind has ever known. Unlike with some other substances, you’re not destined to end up belly up in a hotel room with a stripper either—at least not in a bad way (RIP, John Entwistle). And, besides, of all the fishes out there, your partner is a pretty great catch. Might as well face it.