This time around, we sent The Sneak to chat with Afton, a recent college graduate with an emphasis in textile design. As her day job, she works as a street fundraiser. So while you stress over walking up to a woman and saying hello, she’s stressing about walking up to a woman, saying hello, and actually getting a credit card number. And you thought scoring phone numbers was tough!

Stylelife: Just to get us started, give us a little of your background.

Afton: ‪I grew up in Sedona, Arizona until I was 13, then lived in Lewes, Delaware until I finished high school, when I was 18.

Stylelife: ‪What brought you to Southern California?‬‬

Afton: ‪I went to college in downtown Los Angeles at Fashion Institute of Design & Merchandising (FIDM) for textile design.‬‬

Stylelife: ‪Still in school?‬‬

Afton: ‪No, I finished this past June‬‬.

Stylelife: ‪What do you think about the Downtown LA area would surprise people? Like, someone who doesn’t live in LA, they might have no idea that the area around FIDM and all that even existed. I wasn’t familiar with it until The Sneak, Gypsy, and some of other colleagues moved down there.

Afton: Newcomers to the area might be surprised by the intense difference in class in such a small area. I was going to school and living around wealthy, professional people and a few blocks from my school was where the highest concentration of homeless in LA live.‬‬

Stylelife A lot of men studying to improve their social lives feel like budget is a real hinderance. They think, “If I’m not wealthy or drive a nice car, I can’t get a girl.” What would you suggest to a guy who feels like his bank account is holding him back?‬‬

Afton: ‪I’d say to get creative. I always recognize when a guy has put thought into a date rather than just thrown money around. Finding something new that we can enjoy doing together creates a stronger bond than buying me an expensive dinner.‬‬

Stylelife: ‪What’s an example of a memorable date, a situation where a guy got creative and put some thought into the activity?‬‬

Afton: ‪Recently, I had a date who invited me to have dinner at his apartment, we talked about what to eat and since I’m not a big fish-eater, he looked online for how to make a new meal he thought I would enjoy and we projected one of my favorite childhood movies on the wall. Everything about it happened because he listened to my interests and preferences while we had been out for coffee on our first date.‬‬

Stylelife: ‪What was the movie?‬‬

Afton: ‪Homeward Bound‬‬.

Stylelife: Cute.‬‬ How does a man draw the line between listening and being thoughtful versus coming on too strong and being either too solicitous or just a door mat?

Afton: The same guy who listened so well and planned such a nice evening began dropping gifts off at my house. We had only gone out a couple of times when it started. It would always be something that had a lot to do with what I had said, but it was too much too soon. I think the line is drawn at assuming rather than listening.‬‬

Stylelife: So what happened with him?

Afton: He dropped a big gift off at my place and it totally scared me off, I ended it.‬‬

Stylelife: Okay, so that one didn’t last. But the first date was memorable in a good way. On the opposite side, what’s an example of a bad date you’ve had?

Afton: I’ll go with a fairly recent bad date. New Years Eve. We were getting along well until around midnight, when the oh-so-obvious New Year’s kiss would go down. But, no kiss.

Then, we were dancing very closely when I went to kiss him. This is when he turned away and began to explain all the reasons why he didn’t want to kiss me. They all had to do with how his idea of our first kiss would be different. He wanted it to be special, memorable, respectful, etc. He wanted to really set a romantic mood to have our first kiss and this New Year’s party wasn’t it.

Stylelife: Wow. So to put it succinctly, what was his fatal flaw in this interaction?

Afton: He thought way too much about what he assumed I wanted based on movies, songs, and TV shows, instead of listening and looking and feeling and being there with me, not off in his head trying to plan our first kiss.‬‬

Stylelife: What kind of signs do you send a guy when you’re interested? Are you someone who teases? Good natured taps on the shoulder? Lingering touch?

Afton: Of those choices, I’d have to say lingering touch. I’m about the opposite of those “free hug” people that walk down Hollywood Boulevard. So, especially if someone knows that, the lingering touch goes a long way‬‬.

Stylelife There’s this concept that says three “indicators of interest” means she’s definitely into you. Like, a woman might just be really friendly and a really physical person.‬‬ So if she puts her hand on your arm, by itself, that doesn’t mean anything. But if she puts her hand on your arm, then gives you a smoldering look, and then laughs outrageously at one of your jokes, then it’s not just a coincidence. She’s definitely interested in you. Do you think that’s a useful guide?

Afton: ‪I do. I used to be very friendly and treat everyone almost the same. I wouldn’t send specific signals at all, but now I usually throw in a phrase in our gooodbye like, “Will I see you again?” if I’ve just met him, or if I’ve known him for a while and am suddenly interested, I’ll put my hand on his side or his arm while we’re talking and linger.‬‬

Stylelife How much do you amp up your signals before turning off?‬‬

Afton: Like before giving up on him?

Stylelife: Yeah. Maybe a guy just isn’t perceptive. A lot of men are just convinced that women aren’t going to like them, so even when they get signs and indicators of interest, they dismiss it and say, “She can’t really be interested in me.” ‬‬

Afton: I guess if i’m interested, I’ll ask a guy out. I don’t find it hard to say, “Maybe we can grab a drink sometime?”‬‬

Stylelife: That’s great.‬‬ A lot of guys feel like society puts all the pressure on them to make the first move. When is the last time you asked a guy out?

Afton: I am not one to wait for a first move. Last time I asked someone out was Saturday night.‬‬

Stylelife: How did it go?

Afton: I met a guy Saturday night, got his number from my friend and texted him that I thought he was cool and that we should grab a coffee sometime. It went okay. He seemed to be really into me the evening before, but invited me to a group event so he’s not prioritizing any time to spend alone, but prefaced with the fact that he was very busy‬‬.

Stylelife So maybe he is genuinely interested, if he’s trying to fit you with a very busy schedule.‬‬

What are your 3 top characteristics for a man to have, in order to date you. What are you looking for in a man?

Afton: Easy going, communicative, sarcastic.

Stylelife: On the flip side of the top 3 characteristics, what are the absolute deal breakers with you?

Afton: Hard-headed, verbally abusive, arrogant.

Stylelife: So you’re an attractive single woman in the big city. You must have plenty of opportunities to meet men and date. What frustrates you? What makes you want to scream? Now’s your chance at a soapbox, to tell men what you think.

Afton: Closed minded people are the worst. I’ve gotten a speech about how if I don’t like him, there’s something wrong with me. Guys who have to be right all the time make me want to argue with them and I do not like to argue or debate when it’s not essential. I really can’t take when a guy won’t let “us” go. I’ve got a guy who’s still texting me to ask me to hang out again after I dumped him because I wasn’t interested after having gone out a few times.‬‬

Stylelife: If you If you met a guy, liked him, and later found out that he studied pickup or social artistry techniques, would it change your opinion of him?‬‬

Afton: There is totally a stigma to “pick up artist” that makes my stomach turn a bit, but I have social issues, myself and a job where I have to interrupt someone’s day and lead a conversation, so I completely understand that if you’re not born with a lot of self confidence or if there’s something you don’t like about yourself. It’s fucking hard to talk to people.‬‬

Stylelife: So you understand. A lot of mean well and are perfectly decent people. But the idea of strolling up to a beautiful woman and saying something is petrifying to them.‬‬ What’s your job?

Afton: To pay the bills right now, I’m a street fundraiser. ‪I pretty much have to stop people on the sidewalk, make them believe in the charity I’m representing, then give me their credit card information‬‬. I stand on a busy sidewalk every day for about seven hours, ask every other person to stop, 35 usually do stop and talk, 2 usually sign up. I get hundreds of no’s in a day, a lot of times yelled in my face.‬‬

Stylelife: Holy shit. Our guys are just trying to get a phone number. You’re gathering financial data! Given your experience, what would you suggest to men who think it’s impossible to start a conversation with women on the street?

Afton: Oh man. There are a hundred ways to start a conversation.

Stylelife: Let’s hear your go-to strategy. You’ve had bad day and you just need to hit a homerun.

Afton: There’s no wrong way to say hello. But a pretty easy one to get a stop is a system of “CPC” which stands for compliment, question, command. It’s a bit different because I’m fundraising, not trying to date, but you could say, “I like your dress, have you been here before, tell me your name.”

Stylelife It seems that what you do and what pickup artists do is increase the probability of a discussion, which will increase the probability of a good outcome. If you just walk up to someone on the street and say, “Hey, donate money.” They’re going to tell you no. Likewise, if you walk up to a woman on the street and say, “Hey, let’s go out,” she’s going to tell you no, unless you look like David Beckham. In both instances you need a hook to generate a conversation.‬‬

Afton: I agree.

Stylelife: How do you motivate yourself when you’ve had a particularly bad day. It seems like no one will talk to you, no one wants to donate… What do you to improve your mood.?

Afton: I usually will take a minute or so and talk to a co worker about anything, something that will get my mind off of it, but then I look at a possible donor, imagine them signing up and ask them to stop.‬‬

Stylelife: What would be your dream way of meeting someone?

Afton: On my way out of watching a digitally re-mastered episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation on the big screen. That way, if we click, I already know that we have similar interests.

Stylelife: Just be sure to update your Captain’s Log if you meet that dream guy on your travels! Thanks for your time, Afton.

[box type=”shadow”]If you could ask Afton any question, what would you it be? What do you want to know? Leave those questions in the comments field below.[/box]