Emma writes…

For a while I secretly believed the friend zone was this fictitious state of mind that guys get into when they are too afraid to make a move. In the dreaded friend zone, I offered three choices:

1) Walk away.
2) Be bold and speak your mind.
3) Stay stagnant friends and live in mediocrity. Keep in mind that life responds to action. With nothing to lose, if you find yourself just friends and wanting more, speak your mind!

Weeks later, I was talking with a guy who at first I thought I might be interested in. He was funny and friendly, and we had a lot to talk about the first couple times we hung out. The hang outs weren’t really dates. They were more of a run into or casual plan. After said hang outs, he hadn’t asked me out on an official date. We kept talking, but eventually, with no secure plan, I stopped being as interested. A light bulb went off: I put him in the friend zone.

Often, men get themselves into the friend zone by not making their intentions clear from the beginning. If you act like just friends, you will get just friends. It is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Once stuck in the friend zone you face the uneasy apprehension of what to do. The trick, I thought, was to not get there in the first place.

I was certain I had found the secret to avoiding the friend zone: be clear with your romantic intentions from the start! Until I recalled a different scenario: Shortly after a major break up, I met a guy I really liked. Unfortunately, the timing in meeting him did not advantageously coincide with the break-up. I needed additional time before I could start dating again. However, I didn’t want him to lose interest in me, so I suggested we be friends. This put him in a tricky situation. On one hand, he honored the clear boundary, but then he was left wondering when I would be ready to date.

Eventually, I started to feel more like dating. By then, I thought of him as a friend and forgot to ever consider him as I started dating people and eventually found a new romantic partner. What started out as genuine romantic interest, evolved into friendship. I never gave him a chance. I did realize that there is more than one way to get stuck in the friend zone? I did some research and found the top four ways men end up stuck just friends.

1) Do not make their romantic intentions clear from the start.
2) Timing was not right for one or both parties and friendship ensued.
3) Started just friends when either or parties were unavailable.
4) A woman wants to keep them around in case they become interested. See also: back burner.

Number three is the most legitimate version of just friends. You started off friends because one or either of you was, for whatever reason (distance, significant others, illness, school, work, lack of interest), unavailable. The original intention of the relationship was a friendship. Over time, and to no fault of your own, you developed romantic feelings for the woman.

This situation is the most difficult because you have a genuine friendship that is rooted in something deeper than attraction. Explaining your feelings is an actual risk. But living with an unrecognized love and letting that simmer in you for years is also a risk – to your emotional well-being, to the possibility you want to create for you in your life, to finding someone else. In this case, it is nearly impossible for you to develop a meaningful relationship with another woman because your heart is with the friend that you have feelings for. If you tell her, you might lose her. In losing her, you could create space something else you didn’t know what possible.

In the final version of the friend zone, the woman is keeping you around because people like reliable attention. People don’t like to be alone or feel alone. Sometimes we put others on the back burner so that they are there in case no one else decides to love us. Men and women do this. How to tell if you are in this situation: you rarely actually see one another, you ask to do things and she cancels at the last minute, she take a really long to respond to you, her responses are always wishy-washy. If this sounds like you, you either have to buck up and say something or cut your loses and move on.

Half of the time when you are in the friend zone, it could have been avoided by making your intention quite clear in the first place. If she doesn’t respond, move on. Why let yourself develop feelings for someone who isn’t interested in developing feelings back? If she changes her mind, she will reach out to you. She will. Then you will be able to decide which zone to put the relationship. If being in the friend zone is causing you angst, make moves towards getting out of it. Without the sticky friend zone relationships, you are free to develop meaningful relationship with women who are also looking for meaningful romantic relationships.

Emma

My commitment: to make this worth the read. Humorous, fun and introspective. I welcome your thoughts, ideas and feedback via the comments functionality below. You can find me on the web at www.emmadilemma.com.