Emma writes…
Most people have a certain type of ideal partner. Part of that type is driven by physical characteristics and part of what interests them. But more importantly than a lady’s type, are her non-negotiables. Non-negotiables are real things that drive women to get into and out of relationships. Non-negotiables transcend type.
The distinct difference between a woman’s “type” of guy and her non-negotiables is the reason why girls also go for guys who aren’t really their type.
For instance, I usually go for tall, dark-haired, athletic guys who are into music. I don’t know why. It’s not a dealbreaker, but it’s what I am usually attracted to. I have dated three shorter guys who were all into music and two tall guys who were still listening to Journey. I have dated four guys who could stand to lose 10 pounds. All of them have at least one of the three traits in my “type.” Tall, athletic, into music.
I am most likely to stray from my type when I am lonely, recently broken up with or in an otherwise vulnerable state. Sound cliché? Welcome to reality. Women make exceptions when they want to be loved.
And at any given moment, any woman wants love and attention. If you are not someone’s “type” you can go out with them. The difference between type and non-negotiable does not affect whether or not you can go out with her, it affects whether or not you can have a sustainable relationship with her.
If you want to stray from the girl’s type, catch her while she’s in a transitional or difficult time in her life and seeking needs some fun in her life to sweep her off her feet by being exceptional. Or have someone set you up. The only other way I would go out with a guy who is traditionally not my type is if a friend convinced me too. In fact, fifteen of the twenty girls I surveyed for this article said they would definitely go out with a guy who is not their type if a friend swore he was amazing and he had most of her non-negotiables. Girls trust their friends.
Now that we have nailed a woman’s type of guy and ways to skirt the type, let’s move on to the more important topic here: non-negotiables. Non-negotiables are the most important things to women. Women write these down on a piece of paper and carry it around in their wallet.
I have my non-negotiables on an arts-and-craftsy piece of paper taped to the window in front of my computer. I vowed, cross my heart and hope to die, that I would not accept a second date with a man who does not have all of these traits. (First dates are okay because you don’t really know better.)
Non-negotiables are the must-haves, the dealbreakers, the baby-daddy business. Looks don’t usually play into the non-negotiables. Income sometimes does. Values definitely do. Repeat: Looks don’t matter. Financial stability might matter. Values matter immensely.
To be clear on the difference, here are my lists:
Ideal Type
1. Tall (dark & handsome)
2. Athletic
3. Intense interest in music
4. Has a good relationship with his family
5. Not a picky eater
6. Passionate about travel
7. Loves his job
8. Likes to cook
9. Reads
10. Dances
Non-negotiables
1. Expresses his feelings
2. Open-minded
3. Makes me feel special
4. Healthy lifestyle / athletic
5. Wants to get married
6. Wants to have children
7. Aims to be his best self
8. Laughs often
9. Passionate in bed
10. Creative
Do you see the distinction? Types are slightly arbitrary. Much like a man’s type, a woman’s type are characteristics she is initially attracted to. But looks can be deceiving. Interests can even be deceiving. I would marry a short guy who hates tacos (tacos are my favorite food) if he had every one of my non-negotiables. Most self-aware, self-assured, worthwhile women feel this way. I know. I asked. In the end of the day, we all want to be loved by someone who shares the same values, passions and lifestyle as we do. That which defines a man deep down inside is what a woman wants to date.
But she won’t know what defines you until you unveil it. And who wants to share their deep insides with a complete stranger? Conundrum. My suggestion: strive to be the exception in her life when she is in a transitional or difficult time or have a friend set you up. Those are your two best shots at showing your true colors if you aren’t her typical type. But you do have a shot. Don’t worry about your looks or confidence or any of that. Women’s attraction in men can grow and evolve, but you have to give her a reason to stick around while it grows and evolves. If you are not her “type,” then that reason is likely in the non-negotiables. Don’t outright ask her what her non-negotiables are! She’ll never tell you! Subtlety inquire into what she values. Then, and only then, will you have an opportunity to transcend her type.
Emma
My commitment: to make this worth the read. Humorous, fun and introspective. I welcome your thoughts, ideas and feedback via email at [email protected]. You can find me on the web at www.emmadilemma.com.