This time, Stylelife sent longtime coach The Sneak to chat with Lola. They covered the effects of a six-month silence, the difference between public and bedroom behavior, and the power of a good old fashioned love letter.Stylelife: If your friends were to choose three words to describe you, what words would they choose?
Lola: Girly, ambitious and quirky.
Stylelife: Are you currently seeing someone?
Lola: I am.
Stylelife: What was it about that person that made you romantically interested in him?
Lola: We actually started out as friends, which is the first time I’ve ever done that, so it was a really interesting beginning.
Stylelife: How long were you friends?
Lola: We were friends for two or three years.
Stylelife: Wow. That’s a long friendship.
Stylelife: And were you attracted to him during that period?
Lola: I was initially, but I had just started seeing my previous boyfriend and he was with a girl so we were just kind of, we just let it go and, you know, we were just friends in relationships.
Stylelife: You each had a significant other.
Stylelife: But there was some underlying spark there that hadn’t been explored yet?
Stylelife: Because of timing?
Stylelife: And so you were friends for years and then what happened next?
Lola: I broke up with my boyfriend and then he broke up with his girlfriend a few months later. We kinda just became really close as friends. I didn’t think it was going to be anything more than that. I, under no circumstances, was planning on dating him. We were just spending time together and it was nice.
Stylelife: But, you were spending a lot of time together?
Lola: Yes, but then he basically told me that he loved me and said that if he couldn’t be with me then he couldn’t speak to me anymore. He cut me off.
Stylelife: How long had he felt that way?
Lola: A year or two years, yeah.
Stylelife: So when he was hanging out with you more and more and more, he was feeling something?
Stylelife: And it was bubbling up and building.
Stylelife: It was tension for him.
Stylelife: And he broke that tension by confessing his love.
Lola: Yes, which did not work.
Stylelife: How did you feel when he did that?
Lola: I was upset because I knew it was going to be the end of our friendship, at least for a period. So, he cut me off and we didn’t speak for six months because I was like, “I can’t be in a relationship with this person.”
Stylelife: You had just been out of a relationship? Is that why you were reluctant?
Lola: No, I didn’t think that I was attracted to him.
Stylelife: At this point, he said, “I love you,” and in your mind you think, “I don’t feel that way about…”
Stylelife: So, for six months you didn’t speak?
Stylelife: And then, what was that renewed point of contact?
Lola: I guess I had sort of started missing him. I was missing my friend. I was dating guys. He’s older than me, 16 years older than me and I was dating young guys who were idiots and who had no interest in creating anything of significance or value. So, I just started missing him and I sent him an e-mail asking if we could, you know, be friends again. It was literally just my intention to be friends, but then we hung out.
Stylelife: After he confessed how he felt, to want to ask him to just be your friend again, is that selfish?
Lola: Potentially. I mean, I didn’t do that in the first couple of months at all because I know that that would just not be cool. I was kind of testing the waters to see, because I knew he had been dating other girls. I really missed having him in my life. After a while there was a seed of doubt that maybe, possibly, maybe we were more than just friends. There was potential to be more than friends.
Stylelife: When you messaged him again to be friends, there was a seed of doubt. Maybe you were going to be more than friends?
Lola: Possibly. But still, my intention was to be friends. But that seed was there, yeah.
Stylelife: So, how did he react?
Lola: He was open, but aloof.
Stylelife: And what happened? Did you guys set up a time to hang out?
Lola: There were a couple of exchanges back and forth. A couple of weeks later he called me and we had a conversation like nothing had happened. He sounded really happy and he sounded really confident. One of my issues with him before, one of the reasons I hadn’t been attracted to him was because he exuded this dark energy. He seemed depressed a lot and he seemed like being around him, I mean, I loved him as a friend, but being around him wasn’t exciting romantically because I didn’t get that spark from him. That feeling of joy and confidence that you want to feel from you significant other. Then, when we spoke on the phone, he had that. He sounded like he had been rebuilding his power, if that makes sense.
Stylelife: Yeah, I think I understand. The word confidence is thrown around a lot though.
Stylelife: When you ask someone for advice on talking to a girl, they’ll say, “Just be confident.”
Lola: Right, right.
Stylelife: Well, that’s kind of hard to understand. What do you think that means when people say that? How do you define confidence when it comes to dating or flirting?
Lola: I know exactly what it was. It was, and I know why it was too. He’d gotten into meditation. More to the core though, it was that I knew that if he lost me at this point in his life, he would be fine. He didn’t need me anymore. Whereas before, he needed me. It seemed like. And now I felt like he had his own life outside of me and I could step into it if I wanted to, but I wasn’t, it wasn’t life or death, you know, if I did.
Stylelife: Do you think that sometimes you need people and that’s partially why you’re attracted to them?
Lola: It’s definitely happened, for more temporary, one night or whatever, more fun things, yes, for sure. But, as far as like something that has the potential to maybe last a little bit longer.
Stylelife: So, you’ve had like a one-night stand that you felt was like filling some need of yours to get out of the way?
Lola: Yeah, for sure. There have been a couple of times where I was sort of looking. It’s not like I was out in the bar on the prowl, but the idea was in my mind and I was scanning the men that I knew and the men that I met just looking for potential candidates. And of course they were open.
Stylelife: Generally, men are open to these sorts of suggestions.
Lola: Yes. I mean, not that I would be blatant about it, but it was there in my mind.
Stylelife: So, in a sense, you were choosing them. Feeling them out.
Stylelife: Did you feel fulfilled? Did that piece of you that you were trying to…
Lola: No, no, oh God. I just find that one night stands are so rarely sexually fulfilling because you don’t know each other’s bodies. You’re just getting used to each other.
Stylelife: The comfort of the extended relationship isn’t there. The opportunity for the sex to get better and better is inherently missing.
Stylelife: Because of the duration.
Lola: Yeah, so the lead up to sex is always really exciting and then the sex itself is super awkward and uncomfortable. He finishes too quickly and it’s always really bad. It’s always terrible.
Stylelife: So what ended up happening with your friend? You guys eventually met up?
Lola: Yes, at a restaurant called Cleo. We caught up and we talked and it was like no time had passed, but I wasn’t sure where he was at as far as what he wanted. I didn’t know where I was at. And then we went to dessert at a different place and he was talking about this girl that he had been spending time with and so I thought, “Oh, okay,” like we’re just friends. And then, we weren’t.
Stylelife: What happened? I mean, what was the moment where…
Lola: He kissed me at the end of the night.
Stylelife: Were you expecting the kiss?
Lola: No. I actually skipped something. Because before he confessed his love to me he had kissed me before. We made out and I had gone along with it just to see, just in case, and I hadn’t felt anything.
Stylelife: How important is the first kiss?
Lola: It’s important, I guess. I mean, it doesn’t have to be amazing. It doesn’t have to look like a Disney movie, but I have to feel something.
Stylelife: What did you feel when he kissed you that first time before he confessed his love?
Lola: I was, I felt, “what is this, what am I feeling right now?” Like, it was just kind of confusion and then I couldn’t really enjoy it. I was more worried about what it was going to mean for our friendship.
Stylelife: Right. Okay. So, fast forward. Now, you’re on your second kiss.
Stylelife: What was this one like?
Lola: It was better. Um, this one felt like a guy who was kissing me without worrying about how I was going to feel about it and there was just more of a spark for whatever reason and a lot of it was the energy that he was exuding. I think, because, again, like he was in a totally different place and it was much more attractive.
Stylelife: And so, the kiss is over, you back away for a second, what are you feeling?
Lola: I’m like, “Uh, oh. I might be in a relationship now.” That is what I thought.
Stylelife: Because of all the build up to this moment, there’s very little denying that something is happening on a big level after this kiss.
Stylelife: And how did he feel? Did he say anything or did he do anything in the immediate afterwards that gave you insight into where he was at after that?
Lola: I think he kept it mysterious. There was no like, “Oh, I’ve been waiting for that for so long!”
Stylelife: Did you think about him when you were falling asleep? Was that kind of still burning on your mind?
Lola: Well yeah, I mean, it was also at the tail end of me seeing this other guy. So…
Stylelife: Were you still officially with this other guy, like boyfriend and girlfriend status?
Lola: No, no, no. We’d been just like casually dating and it wasn’t really going anywhere, but I was super attracted to him.
Stylelife: What was it that he was lacking that made it not going anywhere?
Lola: Well, he wasn’t serious boyfriend material. I mean, he wasn’t in that place in his life.
Stylelife: He wasn’t open to a relationship?
Lola: Yeah and I wasn’t open to being with someone who wasn’t open to a relationship.
Stylelife: Has there ever been something you wanted a guy to do in a relationship that’s never been done in any of your relationships?
Lola: I’ve been in relationships with men who really, really loved me and really cared about me in a very mature way, but, it’s more difficult to find somebody who treats me the way that I want to be treated sexually at the same time as loving me as a person. It’s a very difficult combination to come by.
Stylelife: Can you tell me a little bit about each?
Lola: Yes. I want, well you know, the old saying, “I want to be treated like a lady in the streets and freak in the sheets.” I want to be respected and loved and monogamous and outside of the bedroom, but my general preference is to be submissive with a dominant man.
Stylelife: Is there some particular act of submission that you’ve always wanted to do that nobody has done?
Lola: The thing is there have been moments, but I find that generally when a man loves me for who I am he has a hard time treating me that way multiple times.
Stylelife: Can you give one example of something you would like to happen multiple times that hasn’t been happening?
Lola: Just general roughness and choking and that sort of thing.
Stylelife: And a lady on the streets.
Stylelife: Is there something on that end that no one has ever done for you that you would like?
Lola: No. I’ve been with perfectly loving, perfectly, perfect gentlemen.
Stylelife: And you like that.
Lola: I do like that. I do.
Stylelife: They hold the door for you?
Lola: It’s more about like listening and being present and being emotionally available and that sort of thing.
Stylelife: Those are very big things.
Lola: Yes, absolutely.
Stylelife: When guys hit on you, what’s the most common way that they hit on you?
Lola: There’s the whole just coming right up to you and saying, “You’re so beautiful.”
Stylelife: How does that make you feel?
Lola: Flattered, but not attracted. You know. Unless, of course, it’s Brad Pitt and I’m just physically really, really attracted to him, but generally that’s not the case.
Stylelife: If it’s just a regular guy you’ll feel flattered but that doesn’t make you attracted to him?
Stylelife: You’re a musician. Do you get hit on in your line of work?
Lola: I get hit on when I go to writing session or when I’m on set for something acting. People will hit on me at work a lot.
Stylelife: So, these people are in an environment where they’re not really cold approaching you, you’re working with them?
Stylelife: And what would they say to get a conversation started? What’s the most common approach that they take?
Lola: Um, teasing me. I like a playful environment.
Stylelife: So you like it if there is a teasing aspect?
Stylelife: And these guys generally approach you that way on set?
Lola: Often, yeah.
Stylelife: Have of these guys been successful with you?
Lola: Yeah. A few of them.
Stylelife: Can you remember what it was about one of these guys that made him interesting to you?
Lola: Well, okay, I mean, I’m thinking of a couple specific examples from a music video I did a while ago where I ended up hooking up with one and he, it was sort of possibly a power thing.
Stylelife: Was he higher up?
Stylelife: Like a producer?
Lola: That’s happened a couple of times, yeah.
Lola: I know. But he…
Stylelife: So, he had a certain amount of status, a certain amount of authority.
Stylelife: … and you like the teasing thing.
Stylelife: So, there’s value there.
Lola: Yeah. But withholding, I think a couple of them withheld interest for a while, other than the rapport, which, you know, we sort of would have with everyone there so you couldn’t necessarily tell.
Stylelife: It’s mixed signals.
Stylelife: Maybe we’re just hanging out like everybody hangs out.
Lola: Yeah, yeah.
Stylelife: Maybe not.
Lola: Yeah, yeah, exactly.
Stylelife: In some way that tension was broken and you realized that there was some kind of romantic spark and it went from there.
Stylelife: Okay, these guys sound like they knew a thing or two or at least their personalities came off in a positive light. Let’s flip it over, what’s the creepiest way that a guy has ever hit on you?
Lola: Um, I mean, the thing is that, I hesitate to say this because I actually really like staring sometimes, but there’s a certain kind of staring that’s just so awful and so creepy.
Stylelife: What kind of staring is that?
Lola: Too long. Where it makes you feel like you’ve got something in your teeth or something. Making comments that aren’t necessarily relevant and feel kind of just forced. Staring is a bit, getting too close to my personal space before it’s a comfortable time for that. That happens a lot too. Yeah.
Stylelife: Great. All valuable information. What’s the most romantic thing that anybody has ever done for you?
Lola: My past two boyfriends have been very romantic guys that they, the romantic gestures that they would do are all pretty standard, I think. Like, a sweet gift, you know, a lovely letter.
Stylelife: What meant the most to you?
Lola: I think the letter. I think like a meaningful, genuine expression of love and admiration is probably the most valuable romantic thing.
Stylelife: That sounds pretty romantic.
Lola: Yeah, I’m not into like the whole, you know, going to a place with a beautiful view and drinking champagne together and like the movie, I’m not, that’s actually not very romantic. I’ve been to Paris with a boyfriend, it was whatever, you know. I find it’s more genuine expression of feelings that feels the most meaningful.
Stylelife: Great. I think letters can be really romantic. I still have some letters saved from long, long ago, and I don’t keep many possessions. Earlier we talked about your boyfriend breaking out of friend zone. Do you have a story about having to put a guy into friend zone?
Lola: I remember a guy. I was actually pretty into him at first and then something switched off.
Stylelife: Oh, so you were into him at first?
Stylelife: You’re attracted to him?
Stylelife: What switched it off?
Lola: He was too needy.
Stylelife: You don’t like neediness.
Lola: I don’t. I don’t like neediness.
Stylelife: It’s a turnoff.
Lola: It is a turnoff. It’s true.
Stylelife: You want somebody who is strong, independent, has their own thing going on. You want to like join forces, like a superhero duo.
Lola: Exactly. Yeah.
Stylelife: I get that. And so, do you think that guys could benefit from taking a course on dating and seduction?
Stylelife: Can you tell me more about how you feel about that?
Lola: About learning the art of dating and seduction? I feel like it can be a very constructive thing. Obviously, it depends on who they’re learning from because some people teach mostly manipulation, which in the long run I don’t think really gets people anywhere. However, there are basic skills that some people don’t possess naturally. To study these skills is a perfectly productive thing to do.
Stylelife: Would knowing that somebody studied dating and seduction change your opinion of that person?
Lola: It would.
Lola: I’ve actually slept with someone who I knew had been studying pickup. I was fascinated by it, because this was before I knew about it. Well, no, I knew a little, I had read The Game, actually.
Stylelife: Did you enjoy that book?
Lola: I did.
Stylelife: Me too.
Lola: It’s funny because this guy was not very good at it and I could see through basically every move that he was doing.
Stylelife: You still liked him?
Lola: I was still, I was fascinated by it. I was like, “Where is this going to go?” Like, this is so intriguing, it was actually interesting as an experiment for myself.
Stylelife: But, you slept with this guy.
Lola: Eventually I did. Eventually I did. I didn’t right away. That was actually the same person who I chose to fulfill a need later.
Stylelife: I think maybe you did that for each other. I think he needed something too.
Lola: That’s so sweet.
Stylelife: What was the moment where you decided that you really were going to take a physical connection?
Lola: It was later. It was months and months later.
Stylelife: So, you guys kept in touch. He got your phone number?
Stylelife: You talked on the phone? You hung out a couple times or?
Lola: Not, it was sort of, it was very like, we met in social situations and it was, we didn’t know each other very, we didn’t spend time together really or anything.
Stylelife: But, did you text or?
Lola: We would G-Chat from time to time.
Stylelife: Okay, you don’t hear much about people G-Chatting.
Lola: He came to a couple of potlucks at my house, you know.
Stylelife: So he swung by and you were in contact.
Stylelife: And then one day…
Lola: One day I was lonely and I wanted to have a fun night with somebody.
Stylelife: Have you ever been the one to initiate a first kiss?
Lola: Truthfully, I’d be surprised.
Stylelife: Because you like a dominant partner?
Lola: Yea, I’m not generally the aggressor.
Stylelife: Do you remember the best first kiss you ever had? Was it aggressive?
Lola: Yea, he pushed me onto the couch. It was extremely passionate and forceful.
Stylelife: Do you see any patterns in the people you date? Do you typically date nice guys or bad boys?
Lola: I date nice guys and I have sex with bad boys, for sure.
Stylelife: What’s that about?
Lola: Well, it seems like a man truly in love and caring for someone in the core of his being is not going to want to treat her like a whore, generally. Not that I always want to be treated like a whore but…
Stylelife: I understand. That might be something worth learning if you’re a nice guy who likes to treat a woman very respectfully. Take some time to study the other side of it, for the bedroom, in case that’s what she’s into. It might be worthwhile.
Lola: Yea, absolutely I think that would be a magical combination. And I have heard other girls with the same complaint. It’s hard to find both qualities in one person.
Stylelife: It’s a pattern. What’s the sexiest thing that’s ever been done for you?
Lola: I don’t know. It would be danger related for sure (laughing).
Stylelife: What kind of danger related? There’s an attacker and your man is on a balcony and he jumps off the balcony.
Stylelife: I’ve always wanted to do that. I’ve always wanted to stop an attacker by jumping off of a balcony.
Lola: That’s amazing.
Stylelife: To save someone. But what kind of danger were you talking about?
Lola: More like the danger of getting caught, doing things in public.
Stylelife: This is your platform. We are all listening to you. You’ve got the stage. If you could tell men of the world one thing about dating, romance, seduction, what would you share with us?
Lola: Having your own life and your own interests and your own reality is the most important thing. At least to me.
Stylelife: I think it’s more universal than just you. I think it’s a great piece of advice for us all to take to heart.
Lola: I do find that when men, boys, are studying seduction, one of the problems that I see is they get the opening down and they have nothing to back it up. And because it’s not coming from a genuine place where they really are building their own world and building their own interests and sense of self. It’s coming from a place where they just wanna get the girl. There’s no foundation there. There’s nothing to fall back on. If you have that foundation of being a real person, then I think it’s going to be a lot easier overall.
Stylelife: Lola, thank you for your insights.[box type=”shadow”]If you could ask Lola any question, what would you it be? What do you want to know? Leave those questions in the comments field below.[/box]
Great interview Sneak. Can’t wait for the next one.